Okay, I am throwing in the towel...I'm done, stick a fork in me.

With new efficient fuel, I could have been having hot chocolate with ET on Mars in just two weeks!!!!!

So I have been adding up the amount of hours that I have spent in the past year thinking about men...and believe you me, it is a freakin' lot of hours. The analyzing, the questioning, the dreaming, the wondering and the schemeing. I was conservative and appoximated that I probably spent an hour a day on this, sometimes all in one sitting, othertimes in 5 minute here 20 minutes there sort of increments. I am no math genius but that totals to 365 hours this year which divided by 24 = 15.6 days approximately. That is over two weeks just spent on thinking about men.



After doing this basic math equation, I started asking myself what sort of things could be accomplished or done within two weeks. So I put in the words "in just two weeks" into a google search and these are some of the things that came up.



1. "Go from Amsterdam to Italy with our two week iternerary"



2. "extremely efficient fuel could take man to Mars in just two weeks"



3. "Eddie Murphy's marriage is over in just two weeks"



4. "become a limo driver in just two weeks"



5. "hydrolic system created in just two weeks"



6. "some muscles respond to weight training in just two weeks"



7. "eco-friendly, low-income house completed in just two weeks"



8. "new filmmakers make short in just two weeks"



9. "improve your golf handicap in just two weeks"



10. "it takes two weeks to form a habit"



After doing my own crack-pot investigation, I realized all that I was missing by wasting my time on these men. Several of these topics completely inspired me. I mean, I could have had a two-week marriage with Eddie Murphy, for god's sake. What the hell am I doing here?



The thought of forming a new habit also appealed to me. I could take up cigarette smoking or biting my nails though more positive would be getting in the habit of putting my keys in the same spot.


I could have built a freakin' house people or shot a short movie, but nooooooo, I wasted my time on this ever lovin' topic of men. The fact is, I could have had something good to show for those two weeks had I not been busy thinking about if Moron A truely liked me or if Moron B inviting me out to dinner and paying for it meant anything. Therefore I am done with the analyzing and guessing. I've wised up. I think I am going to go from Amsterdam to Italy instead.

Yes, you do sir, yes you do. I am so excited about having a new president. I plan on writing about my election experience here but this will have to do for now :-)

I'm giving Aida one more try....but I'm still scarred!

So I'm not sure how many of you are opera fans but I absolutely love the opera. Operas are, in general, tragic and dramatic. When they are well-done they can send chills up your spine or make you bawl your eyes out. This, however, was NOT my reaction 4 years ago when I watched the opera "Aida" at the main theater in Freiburg. As a matter of fact, I wanted to poke my eyes out, as I could not believe what I was seeing on stage.
The story of Aida, for those of you who don't know it, is about a pair of forbidden lovers in Egypt,that after jealousy of a king's daughter, a war, and being prisoners, finally meet their tragic end by being buried alive together. It is all highly tragic and very romantic. Any fool knows that you don't mess with that....it is good shit.
I was very excited that I had finally talked a few of my friends into going to the opera with me. I even managed to get two guys to come along after I convinced them it would not shrink any sexual organs. All four of us got dressed up and arrived at the opera ready to see a wonderful show. I did give them a small briefing on the plot, just so they had something to go off of.
The opera started and I was slightly confused. Was I in the wrong theater? Did the tickets somehow say the wrong opera. What I was looking at as the curtains rose was not ancient Egypt, hell, it wasn't modern Egypt, instead, it was a grocery store. I shit you not. A GROCERY STORE!!!! The actors came on with shopping carts and pretended to be buying things as Aida ran the register. Some people were walking around in what I would call typical Egyptian garb while others had on sparkly nightclub outfits. I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on, but it most certainly was not an opera. Then suddenly, the daughter of the king shows up dressed up like Ms. America (still in the supermarket, mind you) and had one of her servants in tow......who happened to look like Frankenstein with an Egyptian flair. He wore a skirt instead of the traditional grey pants. But this would be the only thing that distinguished him from the beloved HORROR FILM character. I look over at this point, at my friends and they all had very confused looks on their faces. I don't blame them because I was tempted to run up on stage, sing an aria and go through the check-out line to return an item...my student ticket that cost me 8 Euro.
The mayhem continued throughout the first act with misplaced costumes, strange props, and of course, Frankenstein in drag. The other unfortunate thing was that these things were so distracting that it took away from the actual music that was being played and sung. It didn't matter who was singing or how great the orchestra really was, all I could think about was how did all of this crap fit together. Then my wondering just turned to anger and I thought about what kind of idiot would do such a thing. Finally, the first act ended and we went outside for intermission.
I drank a glass of champagne and then another. I figured that maybe it would at least turn off the part of my mind that wanted to hunt and kill the director of the opera. My friends also had a few glasses because I am pretty sure they were figuring that the opera sucked but at least they could get drunk. After telling them that this was most certainly NOT normal, we went back in to the opera formerly known as "Aida"
And just when I thought it couldn't get worse, it did. It became an MTV music video. Suddenly there were strobe lights and half-naked children break dancing on stage. Of course, Egyptian Frankenstein wasn't too far away from the action. It all felt very perverted and blasphemous. I'm sure that Guiseppe Verdi was turning in his grave as we watched his opera being torn to bits of modernity that made absolutely no sense. At the end of the opera, when normally, every woman in the theater is sobbing, I could only sit there and writhe with anger. I wanted Aida to die. I thought to myself....yeah, hide yourself in the crypt with your "buried-alive lover" and suffocate...I don't care. You deserve it...oh yes, and take Egyptistein with you, and most importantly the artistic director. Yes, seal him up in there, too. I started to read the program to find the other guilty persons that should be walled up with the two main characters. Gunter Schleppheim, costume designer...most certainly. Ingrid Mueller, lighting design....oh yes. Before I knew it, I was being dragged out by my friends. They were trying to comfort me by saying it was "sort of funny and entertaining" Since when do you describe the opera "Aida" as funny? This, my friends, was the tragedy. A wonderful opera, ruined...tragic.
My boss asked me today if I wanted to go to the opera on Sunday with the rest of my co-workers. I asked which opera. To which she replied, "Aida" I smiled and said, "sure" while at the same time trying to hide the traumatic flashback of the opera in Freiburg....Jesus, I hope I don't dream of Egyptistein and his break dancing kids.

Random Things I Like About Germany (in no particular order)

1. Trains: I love riding the train. It has sort of a romantic appeal to it. Granted when you are riding a train after a huge beerfest in Stuttgart, it does tend to lose the romantic appeal. Unless you find it romantic to hear 20 drunk men singing soccer songs non-stop for 45 min. However, on long trips without the drunks, it is really amazing to travel by train. You can sit back and enjoy the scenery, bring food and beverage, and imagine what it would be like to put your head on some wonderful man's shoulder and fall asleep (yes, some of us STILL have to imagine).

2. Flower Boxes: Flower boxes are so gorgeous and make everything look quite charming. A house can be a deteriorating piece of shit, but put flower boxes in the windows and some how it becoming old-word rustic around here. I think that really only works here. I don't imagine that flower boxes would really help out a run down mobile home park, but cleaning up the rusting cars and old tires probably would, then maybe, just maybe, we could talk flower boxes.

3. Ballack and Lehmann: I am referring to Michael Ballack, captain of the national German soccer team and his buddy, Jens Lehmann, goalie of the national team. I loved watching the German national team play in the European World Championship this last summer and I think it was largely due to these two guys. Not only can they play soccer like no one's business, but they are also H...O....T!!!!!!! If you haven't seen pictures of these guys, google them. Breathtaking. I must admit that I have a thing for guys who play soccer but they are definitely the cream of the crop.

4. Apfelschorle: that is apple juice mixed with bubbly water...it is sparkling apple cider without having to open one of the fake bottles that makes it look like champagne. It is a standard here. I am pretty sure that Apfelschorle is just as popular, if not more, as ordering a coke.

5. Coffee and Cake at 3pm: Germans have dessert but they truly do eat it first. It is rather common for people to meet in the afternoon for cake and coffee and then, a few hours later eat dinner. I love this idea. And let me tell you, the cake is delicious. Although they have no idea how to make an american cheesecake. A friend of mine ordered a piece of "american cheesecake" the other day and I, as a cheesecake connoisseur, had to tell her no, this is not what an "american cheesecake" tastes like. The Germans do make a wonderful Schwarzwälderkirschtort and that is no lie.

6. German Men: Okay, so I wasn't sure I should put this one in because it really is a love-hate relationship I have with them. But I think the love overpowers the other feelings I sometimes have for them. I'm not sure what it is about them that makes them so damn attractive. I'm beginning to think it is just the stylish glasses, but I would hope that is not the only thing. They frustrate the hell out of me but you know me, I like a challenge. Perhaps that is why.

Ballack: wouldn't kick him out of my bed for eating crackers!

German Man Myth #1 : German guys don't date.

So I don't know how many of you have actually spent time around a German guy but if you spend enough time around several of them, they will try to convince you that they do not date. "it tis not sa vay sings werk around here" they might say.
Well, I call BS....bullshit!!!
The fact is that German men do one of two things.
"I'm not dating scenario #1"
A German guy, we will call him Helmut, is telling me about a girl he has been hanging out with and getting to know. I ask him what sorts of things he does with said girl. He says that he goes to coffee, goes to the movies, maybe has dinner, goes to concerts, and takes her to the theater. Interesting.
I then begin to probe further with the question "and how often do you do this?"
Now at this point I am fully expecting a once every two weeks/twice a month sort of answer because in my head really anything more would qualify as the dirty word...dating.
Helmut thinks very hard and is organizing things in the wonderful time table that is his brain.

He then replies, "oh once or twice a week"

To which I shout, "what? you are sooo dating her"

Helmut gets defensive (after all he just told me he doesn't date) and tells me that they see each other but there is no actual intention of a relationship...they could just as easily be friends but he doesn't know. If they were "dating" it would mean something romantic....that is not to say however, that if he feels he might want to have a relationship, the possibility is there.

Okay, this is where I give my perplexed look and say in a very sarcastic tone "Oh your so right, you are totally not dating her...I'm not sure what your doing, but it most definitely would not be dating."

Helmut is not convinced that he has completely won me over with his words (maybe it was the thick sarcasm) so he then makes the statement "And she doesn't expect anything, she is just getting to know me, plus I never said that it was a romantic connection"
At this point, I am laughing rather hysterically and then ask him, "did she SAY that to you?"

Helmut's short reply, "no"

I wasn't quite sure how to break the news to him so I tried to just recap the situation for him. "Okay, let's take a look at this. You are "getting to know" this girl about once or twice a week by taking her to do various activities together. And there is no romantic intention but it could lead to something later on, but you aren't sure."

Helmut's short reply, "exactly, definitely not the definition of dating"

I then ask one final question, "Is she a woman?"

Helmut is getting rather annoyed, "Yes, of course."

I state, "Then you are DATING?"

Helmut gets a worried look on his face as I sip on my glass of red wine.

The fact is that German men DO INDEED DATE, they just don't admit to it, so that there is no commitment one way or the other....I don't give a shit, call what you want.. skippitybibbtybop or wackitydo, but you are STILL dating.

"I'm not dating scenario #2"

I like to call this one "the I slept with her and now she is my girlfriend."

So this is one I just won't ever understand because German men see this as a BETTER option to dating. I have no idea how many guy friends I have in Germany that have acquired girlfriends overnight...but by GOD they don't date!!! This only spells danger to me. I swear that I have had friends go out to lunch on a Friday and by Sunday they were no longer single...granted the "relationships" only last about 3 months but it was WAY better than dating...sure, you just tell yourself that. I don't know about y'all but I'd just really rather BREAK-UP with a GIRLFRIEND then not tell her we were a match....much easier. I think I shall make my point by writing out the different scenarios.

The "dating" couple (Hans and Gretel are at the end of about the 3rd date and it has been about 3 weeks)

Hans: So I know we've been on a few dates but I just am not feeling the connection.

Gretel: Really? (she is really quite relieved at this moment) I thought we had some nice chats.

Hans: We did. It was a nice time but I think I just need something different.

Gretel: Okay well, good luck

Hans: Same to you.

Gretel: Thanks for being honest with me. Good night!

Hans: Good Night!

Okay and now.....

The "in-a-relationship after sex" couple (Otto and Julia became a couple after 3 days and now they are about 3 weeks into the relationship)

Otto: So I know we have been together for about 3 weeks but I'm just really not feeling the connection.

Julia: What? Are you trying to break-up with me?

Otto: Well, you know we haven't really been together that long and I just really don't think that we are compatible.

Julia: So you aren't even willing to work this out? How could you be such a bastard?

Otto: Now, wait a minute, I'm being honest.

Julia: No, you are being cruel and I am not going to allow you to break-up with me, mister. You just go home and sleep a night and then maybe you will have come to your senses. Think about that

Otto: Okay Good night?

Julia: Good night...and by the way, my favorite flowers are dahlias.


So after those two scenes, which one is the better solution....I think I've proved my point.

And in the case of the "I slept with her now she is my girlfriend," the German guys most certainly didn't date. I agree with that, but really, look where it got him. Nough said.

Finally, people, finally

Okay, so after much convincing from several people, I have finally done it. I have a blog. I'm not quite sure what I am supposed to be doing with it but I'm willing to give it a shot. My only concern is that random people such as Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp or Pink could be looking at this and even more disconcerting are the non-random ones like the ex-boyfriends or stalker. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can lock this thing down? It would also allow me to write a little more freely if I knew that only certain people would be reading.
Another motivating factor was that yesterday, I had a bad day. Not just a bad day but a "I hate Germany" day. It is really quite special. Ya see, there are times when living amongst another culture drives me insane. I will most likely be writing about a lot of those instances in this blog. It is not to say that I don't like where I'm at or what I'm doing...it's just that sometimes it makes me want to scream. I will try to put them in the form of an entertaining story so that my complaining doesn't really seem like complaining, but rather a present to the world. I have a lot of catching up to do, so I will try to write about some things that have already happened to me and of course, the stories as they happen. I probably will have a few reoccuring themes in my blog which may include but are not limited to the following: men, german men, the BOGG, why I love the Germans, why I hate the Germans, yummy food, I would understand your German if you would actually use some DICTION, funny mistakes I make in German, funny mistakes my students make in English (I am watching forward to that one much!), and alot of WTF moments.
If anything you will realize that living here definitely has its ups and downs. And hopefully I can turn my moments of utter horror and confusion into something funny to read!